Log in

monika m
14 October 2016 @ 01:22 am
So I've just read every single post around this time for the past 8 years and one thing rings true, I'll never be whole. There is a giant, bloody and gaping hole through my body and soul that reverberates with the echoes of my wails and stings from the salt of my tears. I want to find clarity and meaning and purpose but it all seems redundant because I'll never achieve what I truly want, my dad to come home. As I sit in bed at 1am drinking vodka and sitting in silence I find my only comfort in these captured memories scattered around me. This is pain. This is loneliness. This is loss. And the saddest part of all this? The pain burdens me everywhere I go, no matter how hard I try to supress it. I should just stick a damaged goods sign onto my forehead and call it a day.
monika m
13 October 2016 @ 11:56 pm
I don't think I've felt shitter than I do in this very moment. I just remembered that my dad's 11th death anniversary was two days ago and I completely forgot. How fucking terrible is that? Like I can't even get one thing straight in my crazy hectic life. Ive almost lived half my life without him and I'm starting to loose my memories. I've never felt more disheartened in my life. Please forgive me, I'm sorry and I love you and I would give the whole world to see you.
monika m
12 June 2016 @ 02:34 am
23, I'm 23 today and everything sucks but it's cool cos im drunk and my world is a rosè vignette.
monika m
05 February 2016 @ 01:30 am
I'd like to think I have a relatively normal state of mind. Pity I don't. It's becoming a struggle every morning to wake up, I am just so, so tired. And worthless, because what do I have to show for myself? Nothing. I'm over feeling sad all the time.
monika m
01 January 2016 @ 11:46 pm
Happy New Years, thank fuck 2015 is over. My only resolution is to be happy and get over the shit I've had to endure the past 3 months. Cheers to tabula rasa.

(last years me)
monika m
01 December 2015 @ 05:33 pm

It's been a busy, stressful and full on few months for me. I'm back from a weeks trip to the Philippines for my cousins wedding in Manila catching up with family and a short trip to majestic boracay. I cried tears of joy, felt soft white sand between my feet, became stressed out of my mind, saw the president and felt love and gratitude from my blood relations. I'm in my last few weeks of my grad dip course and I find out in a few weeks whether I get accepted into honours or not. I also got a psych internship and conquered major anxiety issues. I feel exhausted but yearning for more, I guess I feel like an adult which seems much greater in theory than reality. I'm checking in just to note how tough these few months have been but how so many good things came from it. I should probably get back to my last assignment which I have barely started and is due on Sunday. Till then, happy December and cheers to surviving the year.
monika m
30 October 2015 @ 10:04 pm
So, it's been a while. I havent been myself and i've been stressed and busy and anxiety ridden and scared that I havent stopped long enough to realize how momentous this month and this year is. When the chaos of this whole month winds down, I'll finally fall apart. Despite how busy I may be, I will never fail to realize how much this world fucking sucks. October, you make and break my heart, i'll never be able to handle you.
monika m
11 June 2015 @ 10:50 pm

This is 22. I wish it would be as fun/fantastic/magical/wonderous time as birthdays past, but alas, it's the feeling of melancholy rearing its ugly little head. Maybe next year.
monika m
02 June 2015 @ 06:02 pm
So I have barely posted at all this year. It's probably due to a combination of extraneous factors that deem writing as irrelevant. To recap would be both super easy and difficult at the same time because it feels like nothing has changed. But it has... I think. I've started my second of three terms at a college to continue my psychology training. I am more driven, I'm working harder and I'm getting better results. I am still fearful, scared of the possibly inadequate intelligence and temperament that I hold but I'm focused as hell. If I fuck up and don't make it into honours I do have a back up plan, bounce out of this comfortable lifestyle and move elsewhere, or at least, travel till I find my calling. Taking a year off last year really brought to my attention how hard the real world can be as naive as that sounds. Working constantly and loosing passion in everything you love is an instant byproduct of this. I'm definitely aware of my growth and contribution as a human in this world, actions have consequences et cetera et cetera. I've learnt from several months of travelling as well as countless hours at work how different things are when you leave the comfort that home or university study provides. I've felt shit, I've felt happy, I've felt grateful and I've encountered many people that I would never have anticipated to meet. Life moves a little too fast these days but in that, growth happens. God this sounds so fucking cliche, oh well that's where I'm at. I'm content with my life plan for the time being, I'm still enjoying myself and no surprise, still single which is probably the greatest feat to achieve for people my age. Selfishness prevails. So that's me for now, I may change within the hours or days or weeks to come but at least I've noted down what's going on in the world of me. Ever changing, never changing.
monika m
01 June 2015 @ 08:27 pm
happy winter, happy june!